"I'm a very private person." That's the excuse I use for keeping people out. It works like a charm, because there's virtually no way of misunderstanding a statement like that. Except, I wish people wouldn't back off after hearing it; I wish they would pry, and continue to pry until I loosen up and open myself up. But can I really blame them for letting me be when all signs point to the notion that isolation is what I'm after?
My interest was piqued the very first time I heard about blogging. I thought it would be my salvation, because I could finally tell about myself, about what I'm thinking, what I'm going through to someone who isn't me. So I started one, and things were going well for a while until my inhibitions caught up to me and reminded me that transparency was something I am (as yet) afraid of. So I deleted it, and deleted the next one after that, and the next one, and... well, you can guess how the rest of it goes. But now, I'm full to bursting with all the things I'm not saying.
It's awful talking to people, living with people, eating with people, doing any number of things with people and not being able to allow anyone in. It's especially awful when you permit those people to think they know a thing or two about you, but you're fully aware that in actuality they know next to nothing, because you don't know how to let them in. It's awful being alone.
So, today I came to a sort of epiphany as I was writing in my journal: as long as I am my only audience, I will continue to wilt until I shrivel up completely and die (metaphorically speaking, of course). Another epiphany followed soon after: for my own sanity, I need a space where I can exercise my potential for candidness, and sincerity, and transparency. This space presented itself in my mind, and now here I am -- hoping against all hope that something is different this time. That I won't turn tail and go back to hiding in that shadowed, especial recess in my mind where all my unspoken thoughts lurk. That I won't, once again, hit the delete button. Because, gosh-flaming-darn-it, I can no longer afford to wilt or explode (whichever comes first).
Awe Karen. Just let people in. Maye you need to deal with something in your past?
ReplyDelete@ DeShaun : your concern is so touching. Honestly. You'd be glad to know that lately I've been making an effort at telling the people closest to me things that are a little less superficial and generic. I'm a work in progress like that. :-)
ReplyDeleteIt's something, opening up I mean, that comes with time and experience. And actually, you can't let everyone in. Not all the way, anyway. Just keep the door ajar and see what happens, to start off.
ReplyDeleteAs for the blog, create your alter self and do your thing, girl. I know you've got a lot to say. (wink, wink)
DeShaun's Mom :-)